Get Everything Done

"Because, in the absence of caring, you’ll never focus on anything more than your lack of focus. Think about it."

Ouch.

http://www.43folders.com/2010/02/05/first-care

Thanks for sharing, Avrum.

This remembers me of David Allen's
"Pay attention to what has your attention."

So he's saying in effect:

If you are distracted by too many things it's because you are interested in too many things. Own up to it and learn to hone your self. Find out what you really care about, learn to care deeply about that, and learn to care less about the rest.

Sounds like useful advice.

Darn. I like the idea and theory of balance. AF was good for living a more balanced life.
Too bad balance doesn't feel right.

You know what you care about, it's that thing that you don't have to write down on some list to get yourself to do.

Jacqueline:

"You know what you care about, it's that thing that you don't have to write down on some list to get yourself to do."

You can imagine from my thread threatening the word count of the Iliad, this I don't agree with.

Some people here think I am insufferable jerk (they are right for all the wrong reasons); I can be a real handful at times.

Maybe I am boarding on too much self-disclosure, but in the thread where Alan began the discussion about values and AF, I said concrete honest examples are the best used.

One of the few todo lists I carry. It is on a 3" x 5" card. It is a general SOP for caring for my Oboist:

-First thing, embrace, kiss, words of appreciation
-ask about her day and *listen*
-don't kvetch more than 7 minutes
-mention specifically one way you missed her today
-don't try to be so damn right, she doesn't like
debate

All this I value and care about. But boy, after 14 hours of working and all the nonsense which goes along working with people who take things just too seriously, all those actions can go right out the door.

I'll quickly give her a kiss, then start ranting about my day and the incompetence of others. She doesn't care for it, nor does it in anyway bring us closer, which is what I truly want.

Before I see her, I pause and look at the list. Ask for a little help. And then I let her in my place or knock on her door.

Some people might say this is weird or means I don't care or it is not authentic, but I don't buy it. When I do the above, no regrets and she lights up and then so do I.

When I am with the kvetching and debating, afterward I realize I frivolously I spent my time, even if she lovingly endures it.

Some I know do say it is weird, but I don't care. I didn't grow up where this stuff was part of the world. So I take refuge in this practice.

She found the damn thing one day and I froze wondering if she would think I was a fraud or a sociopath. Instead, she got all verklempt and said it was one of the most thoughtful and caring things she had seen.

So there!

>>> She found the damn thing one day and I froze wondering if she would think I was a fraud or a sociopath. Instead, she got all verklempt and said it was one of the most thoughtful and caring things she had seen. <<<

Of course she reacted that way. You obviously cared so much that you THOUGHT about what would make her happy and wrote a reminder so that you would NOT FORGET to do those things. How much higher compliment is there?

And Jacqueline is right in this sense: you don't have to put on a list that you want to see your lady ... you know you do and would do it somewhat automatically, I'd imagine. What you DO need to remember is to work against your habits in order to make life better for yourself. You know what you want, you need prompting to take new actions to get there.

"So he's saying in effect:

If you are distracted by too many things it's because you are interested in too many things..."

Alan, I don't think so.

When you spend your day on productivity blogs and/or reading books on focus & time management to deal with your unwieldy list, it's because "you don’t really care that much about" those things. And when you don't care about those things (read: life):

"...you’ll never focus on anything more than your lack of focus"

I know the difference between being focused and all over the place. When focused, TM systems are a hindrance, not a hobby. When not focused, well, I'm here.

Well done Merlin. Well done.

That's why I don't use a TM system at work Avrum, it gets in my way. :-)
Or when I write. And for most of the other stuff. I'm actually hoping now to get Norman to come clean my house so I don't have to write that on my list either.

Norman, you are weird, that's all I can say. But you're growing on me like mold in the refrigerator.

Great thread, Avrum.

Norman, beautiful post as usual. You're almost as good a writer as I am. Sorry, but I feel compelled to use this now: ;-) I really appreciate your honesty and I've seen a major shift in mood on this board as a result.

Mike, I think you're right. I DO care about my housekeeping and my kids and my homeschooling, but I have some habits that get in the way of that sometimes. TM systems can get me on track for a time, but it's when I have a major shift in thinking that long-term change occurs. Then I find myself really caring. But it's tough to produce more caring or a mind shift at will. Often I think that's what I'm looking for--something that will make me care more or will completely change the way I think about what's already important to me if that makes sense. So like a rat on an intermittent ratio of reinforcement I keep bar pressing with my mouse trying to get that reward.

Jacqueline, as usual you made me laugh. :-)

Hi Mel
Again, you compel me to write....
Please don't be so hard on yourself. From what I can surmise from your posts, you are hard-wired to be intelligent, curious and creative. Ergo, you're hard-wired to avoid the pain of boredom much like one would avoid sticking their hand into a fire! Bus, alas, being right-brained doesn't give us a free pass from the mundane scut. That's where the cheap mind tricks come into play...We need to find ways to launch ourselves into a stance of willingness to bear out the boredom to get the result. As I see it, I'm not going to curse my genetic inclinations nor futilely hope to change my hard-wiring. I use my mind tricks to merely circumvent the avoidance patterns. For me anyway, it's coping not a cure. I wouldn't want to do too much fiddling with learning how to embrace a boring process to get a result. That might screw up the wiring that supports the curiousity, problem-solving skills and creative bents I thoroughly enjoy. Like Adrain Monk states: It's both a blessing and a curse! lol!
vickie

p.s.
Yada Yada Yada...I know it's old knowledge but I've found that engrained habits take away much of the burden away from facing the scut. It's an accepted pattern rather than forcing yourself to make a choice.....

I came to this message board for information on Mark's system DIT. Now i check in whenever I crave distraction, and out of morbid curiosity, to see what new psychodrama is unfolding . That's what I tell myself, anyway. But beneath that somewhat craven impulse is a search for genuine wisdom about life -- and this, I often find, is here in abundance.

Norman wrote that he might be [bordering on] "too much self-disclosure," and then shared his reminder card with "kvetch" on it, and the "verklempt" reaction he got. Now we know a little more about his ethnic background (or upbringing at least).

Nice stories, though. Way more interesting than the usual posts here...

Ubi:

"Norman is one of the Chosen"

Its a whole meshugge mishegoss of a mishpocha.

Most folks would peg me for Irish-Catholic-American goyishe kopf.

Norman,

Thank goodness for Wikipedia -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yinglish
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yiddish

- otherwise I wouldn't be able to grok that last comment!

Norman -

Where did you leaern? Parent's? Grandparents? Are you a lapsed Ger Chassid?

Found this article on change that I agreed with to some extent:

http://goodlifezen.com/2010/02/23/change-versus-growth/

The reason change is a bad idea is that our wish to change often stems from a lack of self-love. Many people hate themselves, or at least parts of themselves. For them, change means taking a surgeon’s knife and operating on themselves to get rid of the parts they hate.

Hi Mel
Thanks for the link. It was a very, nicely written article. I was attempting to impart the same basic message but mine was far less elegantly written. *blush*
vickie

It's not either/or. Recently I had to drop everything to focus on a project with a deadline. But the fact I'd been at it little and often over several weeks meant it was still achievable in a final push through the night.

Hi Laurence
I concur with you! A bit of planning coupled with some good habits goes a long way toward meeting your aims. Some of the principles and procedures offered in Mark's DIT book helped me tremenously to better hone my own system. Little and Often for the projects queque and daily implementation of his Current Initiative does wonders when it's governed by his principle of Commitment versus Interest. It keeps my weekly plan tight and effective and FLEXIBLE yet RELIABLE. I'd recommend that book to anybody who wants to get the biggest bang for the buck in terms of effort and effectiveness. I like to timebox my important endeavors and I rely heavily on the use of my timer to get past resistance tendencies whether physical or mental. If you're determined, there's always a way yet Mark's book helps toward formulating a process that's quite lean and effective!
learning as I go

p.s.
I forgot to mention. My system is based on a weekly version of DIT and GTD blended with a few little rules to allow for reliability and flexibility. Being disabled requires an extra dollop of effort and good planning. If it works for me, it's likely to work for most anybody who's intent on succeeding. The basic principles offerred in his book can be applied to any system you want to create to fit your working style, requirements and goals.
learning as I go

Mel,

>>> The reason change is a bad idea is that our wish to change often stems from a lack of self-love. <<<

Could it not be that the wish to change stems from discontent with something we do and the desire to do something different? Why does it have to be lack of self-love? The implication there is either that we are all perfect or we all love our imperfections and so should live with them.

Lastly, would you not say that change is good or bad depending on what we want to change, not on our view of ourselves vis. perfection?

RF,

Long story short, short story long.

Yiddish speaking great-grandparents. A couple grandparents who used Yinglish. Pick up phrases and words here and there. Had some Austro-Hungarian, German speaking great-grandparents. They spoke dialect and words and phrases trickled down.

Lived in Austria and Germany for a while and picked up some Salzburgerisch / Bayerisch. Since those dialects stem from Middle High German as does Yiddish and I studied MHG while there and a bit of Yiddish theater in the early 20th century Austro-Hungarian Empire, my memory and explicit understanding of the fragments culled during my early childhood were strengthened.

Don't live in an area where Yiddish is used. But many words are part of English now, and frankly some which are not as common express things I just can't otherwise in English.

Many Yiddish words literally embody what they speak.

"Verklempt". When that second syllable is spoken, you feel a bit verklempt (I usually find myself using spelling closer to German).

It is hard to say "kvell" without feeling that beaming sense of "pride" (not the best word to use), probably more like joy for someone else.

In any case, the "Chosen" part of my family were atheists and anti-Zionists. Some of my aunts and cousins have converted to Orthodoxy. I think the question surrounding who is and who isn't Jewish is frankly insane. I don't identify as "Jewish" and I would have to convert to convince most Jews that I were. I would have passed in Nazi Germany as a good Aryan, but not if my family history were known. In fact, I recently received part of a payment delivered to my family for property confiscated during the Nazi era.

All that aside, I was probably the only kid hanging tobacco who knew what Lavern and Shirley were on about in the opening of the show with "Schlemiel! Schlimazel!". But that's fitting since it was Penny Marshall who came up with the chant and she's a shiksa.

Like Yiddish itself, my bissl is vermischt and verdreht.

Hey Mike! How are you? How's that bookcase coming along? ;-)

I mentioned that I agreed with the don't change yourself article somewhat. Taken to its extreme, it's too psychobabble for me. What I agreed with was the notion that if our motivation for change is really disgust with ourselves, we're less likely to succeed than if we adopt my 4yo's notion of "I'm just learning."

Example. If you want to lose weight, I would argue that mentally haranguing oneself about being a lazy fat pig that no one could love isn't the best path. Rather, asking oneself what new behaviors you want to learn that support healthy eating and exercise is a better one. In addition, changes that are attempted because of an underlying belief that we're not acceptable as is are harder to sustain. In the spirit of the Inner Game of Tennis, you're not playing a game you can't win when it's about growing vs. changing who you are. Of course, you can certainly end up being a much different person as a result of growth, but it's all about the nature of the goal.

Clearly there are some "bad" habits and behaviors. But "changing ourselves" becomes less stressful when we don't think of ourselves as "bad." That's my take on it. OTOH, if recognizing your inherent badness is what really motivates, I certainly won't argue against it. Maybe it's a matter of your natural inclination. If tend to think I'm "bad" too often, so changing myself this way doesn't typically work for me. If you're an arrogant person, a little dose of poor self-esteem or other-centeredness may do the trick.

Hey Mel,

In the spirit of not changing I decided to let the book case fall apart ;-)

I agree with positive vs. negative impetus for change .. but on the whole, I think change is not only good, but invertible. IOW, we either change in a way that helps us or hinders us .. but we all change.

My icon for the nearly perfect human being (my lovely wife) even works on change ... thus her attempting the "century bike ride". It is instructive that when it became clear to her that she'd never make 100 miles she just "re-calibrated" and set her sights on 50 miles. Not giving up change or her goal, just adjusting to one that could be achieved. And when she made her 50 she was dancing around like a nut case. It was 100% successful in her eyes, even though the goal had changed. That is the way to do things, IMO. Make it so you can't possibly fail. Of course, it takes some honesty to not fudge things so that they become meaningless. She did not settle for 5 miles, after all, but rather the doable but very difficult 50 miles. So she could be well proud of herself. She had many opportunities to just quit. There were portions of the trail still covered in ice. There were parts that were deep mud. And it had rained the first three days of the week so it was very tempting to blow the whole thing off for a day at the movies!

I think that change is part of nature and recognizing that and choosing in what way we change is part of being human. As my buddy Heraclitus said: "You can't step into the same river twice." He had a point, and how wonderful ... or else how boring life would be.

Mike, LOL about the bookcase. Yes, your sweet Lisa is a wonderful example of positive change. Let's be honest and say that we're probably splitting hairs differentiating between "change" and "growth." What I think is critically important is that we do focus on progress most of the time. Sure, there's a time and a place for a swift kick in the rear. But most often we need to say, "Hooray! I met a tough goal!" rather than, ""Why do I always fall short of the mark?"

I wonder if Lisa has been rubbing off on you because you seem to have mellowed er changed lately. ;-)

Avrum, if you're still reading, how's your sleep thing going?

<Example. If you want to lose weight, I would argue that mentally haranguing oneself about being a lazy fat pig that no one could love isn't the best path.>

I think we need to learn to love ourselves.

Mike, hopefully this won't be like fingernails on a chalkboard for you, but I used Lisa's example in Bible class this morning! I just said that a "friend's wife planned to bike 100 miles, changed her goal...yadda yadda" as the discussion was on success, failure, and goals. You almost would have enjoyed the class. LOL

Mel,

Anything to help ;-)