Discussion Forum > no-list makes it easier to say NO
Maybe one reason it's so hard to say NO with Catch-all, is because Catch-all creates a long, persistent list of MAYBEs. They are repeatedly presented to you for a decision. You feel like you are losing something if you just cross it off.
No-list captures the things that you are already saying YES to, and quickly (even immediately) discards everything else.
Is it as simple as that?
It seems like there has got to me more to it. :-)
No-list captures the things that you are already saying YES to, and quickly (even immediately) discards everything else.
Is it as simple as that?
It seems like there has got to me more to it. :-)
June 19, 2016 at 17:14 |
Seraphim
Seraphim
A no-list is in reality a DOING list. It only contains things you are doing, and you can't say yes to anybody without actually DOING something about it.
A catch-all list is a list of maydo's. The trouble arises if you say YES to somebody and put it on your maybe list. I think you instead ought to say MAYBE to people who ask you to do something. The thing here is you have postponed your decision.
I feel like a NO-list doesn't have the capacity of postponing decisions. If you aren't committed now, you won't commit later unless it comes up again, either externally or in your mind. It's not a way of deliberating. You don't weigh possibilities. You choose what matters and discard anything that matters less.
This decsion is perhaps a good way to approach a catch-all list. Write in your may-do's, but as you go over them, consider whether doing it really matters. Discard it if it keeping isn't important, because doing it or not doesn't matter. (Keeping in mind that things that need doing at a later date will resurface.)
A catch-all list is a list of maydo's. The trouble arises if you say YES to somebody and put it on your maybe list. I think you instead ought to say MAYBE to people who ask you to do something. The thing here is you have postponed your decision.
I feel like a NO-list doesn't have the capacity of postponing decisions. If you aren't committed now, you won't commit later unless it comes up again, either externally or in your mind. It's not a way of deliberating. You don't weigh possibilities. You choose what matters and discard anything that matters less.
This decsion is perhaps a good way to approach a catch-all list. Write in your may-do's, but as you go over them, consider whether doing it really matters. Discard it if it keeping isn't important, because doing it or not doesn't matter. (Keeping in mind that things that need doing at a later date will resurface.)
June 20, 2016 at 21:28 |
Alan Baljeu
Alan Baljeu
Alan Baljeu:
I like that term: a maydo list. Actually much more appropriate than a todo list ;)
I like that term: a maydo list. Actually much more appropriate than a todo list ;)
June 22, 2016 at 8:08 |
Marc (from Brussels)
Marc (from Brussels)
Alan Baljeu:
<< This decsion is perhaps a good way to approach a catch-all list. Write in your may-do's, but as you go over them, consider whether doing it really matters. Discard it if it keeping isn't important, because doing it or not doesn't matter. >>
This of course is the principle behind Autofocus. The problem though as we found is that people are very reluctant to see stuff "dismissed" and regard it as some sort of failure.
<< This decsion is perhaps a good way to approach a catch-all list. Write in your may-do's, but as you go over them, consider whether doing it really matters. Discard it if it keeping isn't important, because doing it or not doesn't matter. >>
This of course is the principle behind Autofocus. The problem though as we found is that people are very reluctant to see stuff "dismissed" and regard it as some sort of failure.
June 22, 2016 at 8:16 |
Mark Forster
Mark Forster
No-list autofocus was a time that I was willing to let things get dismissed. It could be just because there is a date on the page, and if it expires overnight, then you have to dismiss the page. The items are still there for reference so nothing is lost.
http://markforster.squarespace.com/blog/2016/3/29/no-list-and-autofocus.html
http://markforster.squarespace.com/blog/2016/3/29/no-list-and-autofocus.html
June 22, 2016 at 17:11 |
Don R
Don R
"No-list" taps into a larger principle which is worth making explicit I think.
So often when we approach circumstances from a "how did this problem get to be this way" mentality we reach for a "who is to blame mentality", and sometimes even articulate our problems that way, as if finding whose fault it was will resolve the issue, or at least let us feel self-satisfied that we have a culprit.
However, if instead we approach our situations afresh as if they were agreed starting positions and choose what steps to take we can maybe grow into better versions of ourselves and reduce the influences of our pasts. Our situations and responses become a visceral reality, not a blame game.
So often when we approach circumstances from a "how did this problem get to be this way" mentality we reach for a "who is to blame mentality", and sometimes even articulate our problems that way, as if finding whose fault it was will resolve the issue, or at least let us feel self-satisfied that we have a culprit.
However, if instead we approach our situations afresh as if they were agreed starting positions and choose what steps to take we can maybe grow into better versions of ourselves and reduce the influences of our pasts. Our situations and responses become a visceral reality, not a blame game.
June 28, 2016 at 14:54 |
michael
michael
I once got annoyed (hope I hid it well) at a colleague in a volunteer group who refused to commit to something because she didn't have the next year's calendar yet. That's what the blank pages at the end of this year's calendar are for! Later, I realized she might have been using it as a polite way of not committing at all.
It's harder for some to say, "No, and I won't reconsider this later," than it is to say "Not right now."
We need to get comfortable saying, "I've taken the time to think about it, and the answer is No."
It's harder for some to say, "No, and I won't reconsider this later," than it is to say "Not right now."
We need to get comfortable saying, "I've taken the time to think about it, and the answer is No."
August 5, 2016 at 21:48 |
Cricket
Cricket
There is a years-old podcast interview with Mark somewhere on the net. In it he gives the answer to that.
He says that he says something like this: "I am sorry to have to tell you that I have to decline your offer to participate in your project, but I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I will only engage in things were I can stand behind it 100% from the bottom of my heart."
He says that people usually react very tame and accepting to that.
Here is why I think this works: it places the burden on the other party to actually sell their idea. Why shouls *anyone* participate in this at all? What's so good about it? Selling is hard work. So you are basically saying: well, maybe I do work for you, but only if you yourself start working for you and then only maybe.
This puts the finger in the wound: over 80% of the times when somebody asks you for help, it isn't really a good idea and that's why they themselves didn't even start working on it. They are just reluctant at dismissal, to say it in Autofocus terms, and now they want you to work their list, because they can't bear the pain of separation from their "good idea".
He says that he says something like this: "I am sorry to have to tell you that I have to decline your offer to participate in your project, but I made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I will only engage in things were I can stand behind it 100% from the bottom of my heart."
He says that people usually react very tame and accepting to that.
Here is why I think this works: it places the burden on the other party to actually sell their idea. Why shouls *anyone* participate in this at all? What's so good about it? Selling is hard work. So you are basically saying: well, maybe I do work for you, but only if you yourself start working for you and then only maybe.
This puts the finger in the wound: over 80% of the times when somebody asks you for help, it isn't really a good idea and that's why they themselves didn't even start working on it. They are just reluctant at dismissal, to say it in Autofocus terms, and now they want you to work their list, because they can't bear the pain of separation from their "good idea".
August 6, 2016 at 7:06 |
Christopher
Christopher
It's even worse with groups. They think it's a good event, so they vote to support it, then realize later that no one has the time. The usual volunteers then do the work out of guilt.
Oh, the dirty looks I get when I ask, "And who is volunteering to do the work? We should put that in the minutes." Surprisingly, when no hands go up, the usual volunteers restrain themselves.
There's a difference between not liking, and not volunteering.
Oh, the dirty looks I get when I ask, "And who is volunteering to do the work? We should put that in the minutes." Surprisingly, when no hands go up, the usual volunteers restrain themselves.
There's a difference between not liking, and not volunteering.
August 6, 2016 at 20:11 |
Cricket
Cricket
I came to see this thread hoping for a "list of things that I regularly say no to" or something like that. Wonder if anyone has tried that.
August 26, 2016 at 7:40 |
Elo
Elo
no :-)
August 26, 2016 at 15:20 |
Christopher
Christopher
Elo: yes, many people have done this! A not-do list can be an effective tool. http://www.google.com/search?q=do+not+do+list
August 26, 2016 at 22:25 |
Seraphim
Seraphim
MayDo list.
I like that.
Or MightDo, if "may" implies permission.
I like that.
Or MightDo, if "may" implies permission.
August 31, 2016 at 22:36 |
Cricket
Cricket
See here: http://markforster.squarespace.com/forum/post/2611633#post2612151
Mark Forster and many other time-management and life-coach/success experts have written a lot about how important it is to say NO. It achieves focus and prevents overwhelm. It is a key to getting significant results in any endeavor.
Why is it so easy and engaging to say NO with no-list, but so hard with catch-all? Any thoughts?