A New Question - Examples

From the comments it seems that many people are having trouble with the question “What am I resisting not doing” which I described in my last post. I spent a long time testing the wording that worked best, and this was it. And it’s still working brilliantly for me.

So I’m reluctant to change the wording, but instead I would like to give some more examples so that you can grasp the meaning more easily. I think that it’s worthwhile for you to stick with my wording until you are happy with it, rather than change the wording.

The fundamental thing on which this question is based is the difference between: 

• Resisting doing something
• Resisting not doing something 

Example 1:

Writing a report

I am resisting writing my report because: 

• It’s hard work
• I don’t know what to write
• I’m bored
• I’ve got better things to do 

I am resisting not writing my report because: 

• Not doing it on time will adversely affect my career
• The longer I leave it the harder it will become
• I’ll finish up writing it in a rush just before the deadline
• It will be hanging over me until I get it done
• Putting it off won’t give me time to research it properly. 

Now the fact is that you are resisting both these scenarios already. The aim of the question is to put your attention onto the second scenario, rather than the first.

Example 2:

Putting stuff away

I’m resisting putting stuff away because: 

• It’s not going to matter just this once
• I’m not sure where some of it goes
• I just can’t be bothered
• Who’s going to know anyway? 

I’m resisting not putting stuff away because: 

• If I don’t do it every day it will keep building up
• I’ll keep tripping over things
• My colleagues will get annoyed
• Some stuff will get lost, damaged or stolen
• It looks terrible
• People will think I’m a slob 

Example 3

Taking exercise

I’m resisting taking exercise because: 

• I just don’t feel like it
• It’s really hard work
• I’ve left it too late - I haven’t got time now
• I want to lie in today
• I’ve got a hang-over 

I’m resisting not taking exercise because: 

• Once I get out of the habit I’ll get unfit again
• I’ll feel guilty all day for not doing it
• I wont get the “lift” that comes from exercising
• I get depressed when I don’t get enough exercise
• My friends will laugh at me for never finishing anything I start

Comments

[Bernie]

This reminds me of "future reality" journaling, but instead of imagining how wonderful life will be with all my goals achieved, I am visualizing how terrible it will be if I fail to do X. Avoiding the terrible--now there's motivation!

[Seraphim]

I'm still struggling with this, but I trust Mark knows what he is talking about, and I'm trying to work my way to the point where this wording ("What am I resisting not doing?") generates the response that Mark is sensing so naturally.

So I consider a task, and then think of the status quo in relation to that task. What if the status quo continues indefinitely? For many tasks, this consideration generates definite resistance. The status quo can be painful and threatening, especially when hope of changing it is removed.

This is helping me to associate the feeling of resistance to the fact that the task remains undone, and to gauge the strength of that feeling of resistance. This is helping me get a better feel for the question. But it's still not coming naturally. :-)

[Mark Forster]

Bernie:

You got it!

[Mark Forster]

Seraphim:

<< So I consider a task, and then think of the status quo in relation to that task. >>

I may be wrong, but your use of the words "consider" and "think" lead me to think that you are taking too intellectual approach to this. It is not a matter of *thinking* about the consequences of doing it or not doing it, but of *sensing* the resistance that is already there.

I suggest you try just saying the question with emphasis on the word "not" and, without repeating it again, scan rapidly round the list until something stands out. Don't worry about why it's stood out - just do it and then ask the question again and repeat the process.

I have the question written (with the word "not" underlined) at the top of every page of my list so I can just read it out and then scan. The process is very fast.

[smeatho]

I have "noticed" the phrase/idea "notice more, think less" in several places recently. It has resonated with me in relation to work, mindfulness and mental health. Mark, your question and your last reply to Seraphim reinforces that. I like this question, it works.

[Christian G.]

After using electronic task management systems for a couple of years I returned to pen-an-paper combined with an electronic feeder list (if anyone is interested I can write more about why and how). The paper-list is worked on using Marks‘s latest variant of AF2 (http://markforster.squarespace.com/blog/2020/12/14/another-experiment.html).

And I‘m experimenting with the „new question“ - not easy because it‘s quite the opposite to what we are used to. And I have another hurdle - I‘m a native German speaker. Despite I consider my English to be quite ok, my subconscious mind „spricht nur Deutsch“ (speaks only German). Thus in order to apply this question in a non-intellectual way I had to find a German equivalent. For the time being I work with „Was möchte ich NICHT nicht getan haben?“. Any other German-natives here who have other ideas? And this issue might be of interest for other non-English-natives who have to find questions in their mother-tongue...

[Fabien]

Christian G. :
<After using electronic task management systems for a couple of years I returned to pen-an-paper combined with an electronic feeder list>

I am interested by your system and your electronic feeder list !

[Seraphim]

<< I may be wrong, but your use of the words "consider" and "think" lead me to think that you are taking too intellectual approach to this. It is not a matter of *thinking* about the consequences of doing it or not doing it, but of *sensing* the resistance that is already there. >>

When scanning the list with this question in mind, I usually just draw a blank - I don't sense or feel anything at all. So I try to visualize the negative consequences of not doing the action. Then I can start to sense the resistance. That's what I mean by "think" and "consider".

It's getting a little more natural with practice.


<< I suggest you try just saying the question with emphasis on the word "not" and, without repeating it again, scan rapidly round the list until something stands out. >>

For me, nothing stands out. I don't feel any sense of resistance. After a bit of that, I find my habit of scanning for ordinary "standing out" takes over, and I start selecting for things that have a positive draw, rather than selecting for strong resistance to the negatives.


<< Don't worry about why it's stood out - just do it >>

Yes, I've never really had a problem with that. The problem is noticing any kind of sense of resistance. I usually don't notice any differentiation at all between the items on my list. They are all equally blank. When I do some of that visualization, they become a little less blank.

The visualization becomes sharper and faster when I change the question to "Delete this task?" or something like that. But when I find myself doing that, I try to bring myself back to using your question, since I do trust you have good reason for insisting on it, and at the very least I am sure to learn something from it.


<< I have the question written (with the word "not" underlined) at the top of every page of my list so I can just read it out and then scan. The process is very fast. >>

I have it written like that too. It's becoming faster with practice.

[Alan Baljeu]

I get this too, Seraphim. There are times when I am clear on things i don’t want to neglect, but at other times, particularly when Im low on energy, when it’s like nothing really motivates the resistance to not-doing. Maybe at such times the right answer is actually not doing anything. Hm.

[Mark Forster]

Christian G.:

<< „Was möchte ich NICHT nicht getan haben?“.>>

My German isn't good enough to help you much with this but I'm sure the language of philosophy, poetry, art and science is capable of translating the concept.

The important thing is to make the first verb positive, as in English "resist" as opposed to "not want".

Wer Feuer bedarf, sucht es in der Asche.

[Mark Forster]

Alan Baljeu:

<< at other times, particularly when Im low on energy, when it’s like nothing really motivates the resistance to not-doing.>>

I can well imagine that in my case there will be times the answer to "What am I resisting not doing?" will be "Going to bed", or "Watching that movie I've been meaning to".

[Mike Brown]

<<I can well imagine that in my case there will be times the answer to "What am I resisting not doing?" will be "Going to bed", or "Watching that movie I've been meaning to".>>

THIS, exactly. I have a bad habit of staying up late to read one more chapter, play one more round of a game, or some stupid thing. I know I do this, yet I always have the urge to do "just one more thing" when really, going to bed is the thing I should be doing.

Last night, as I opened my Kindle to start reading, I thought, "What am I resisting NOT doing?" And "going to bed" was the immediate response.

I also noticed myself going down a rabbit hole as I fixated on trying to find contact information for someone. I asked myself the question, and it kind of popped me out of that rabbit hole so I could shift focus to something else I had open on my desk.

Anyway -- interesting new question!

[Alan Baljeu]

It’s peculiar. In this example, you might have asked “what am I resisting doing “ and got the “going to bed” answer. It’s like that NOT isn’t really there in your mind. I think what we’re looking for is, “what is the thing we are not doing, that bothers us that it’s not being done.” This as opposed to the similar question which isn’t in view, “what is the thing we are not doing, that the thought of doing it bothers us”. In both cases it’s a thing not being done, but the focus shifts from the doing to the not-done.

[Paul MacNeil]

So, could a general rule of life be: Do the thing you resist not doing? This is interesting. It's the opposite of "do the thing you resist doing," which is probably a good rule but much harder because you have to overcome resistance. Discipline helps here. On the other hand, perhaps doing the thing you resist not doing is like cycling with the wind, but will it always taking you in the right direction? Seem to be quite a discovery if it does, although admittedly difficult to wrap my head around. Probably because it is such a new approach. It has a Taoist feel to it, which I welcome. And you're right, Mark, I think too much intellectualizing of this (like I've just done perhaps), including the use of a list, interferes with its natural and intuitive flow. I'll keep going with it and see where I end up.

[Seraphim]

I think Alan's observation points to an interesting phenomenon here.

Mike Brown was resisting NOT going to bed - he sensed the negative consequences of NOT going to bed, and this got him to go to bed.

Alan noticed that the thing he was also RESISTING the most was probably the same task - going to bed. But just noticing that alone was not enough to prompt Mike to take action.

I think there are two different things happening here.

"Resisting going to bed" is a Quadrant 4 effect (resisting to the negative consequences of taking the action).

"Resisting NOT going to bed" is a Quadrant 2 effect (resisting the negative consequences of NOT taking the action)

It so happens that the strongest Quadrant 4 effect and the strongest Quadrant 2 effect are associated with the same task, in this case. I wonder how often that is true?

The Quadrant 4 effect prevented the action. (What am I resisting the most?)

The Quadrant 2 effect triggered the action. (What am I resisting NOT doing?)

(Quadrants refer to my post here:
http://markforster.squarespace.com/forum/post/2779024 )

[Mark Forster]

Realising that one is resisting going to bed and realising that one is resisting not going to bed can result in the same thing, but for different reasons.

They both work by bringing unconscious thoughts and feelings into consciousness. When we realise that we are resisting going to bed, the natural reaction is "I should have gone to bed hours ago". The focus is on the action of going to bed. Late at night when we're in the middle of the latest episode of some crime series on Netflix, going to bed is a struggle.

On the other hand when we bring into consciousness the fact that we are resisting the consequences of not going to bed, such as feeling extra-tired in the morning, the likelihood of over-sleeping or falling asleep at work, and so on, the focus is on the consequences and that makes the action much more likely to happen.

[Mike Brown]

I did get a decent night's sleep, thank you :)

Mark is correct about simply asking the question brought into my conscious awareness that I was resisting going to bed. "Going to bed" is one task among many I *wanted* to do that night. But I also know it takes me longer to wake up and get going in the morning when i don't get enough sleep, I need an extra coffee or two, it takes a couple of hours before I'm fully functional, etc.

All I can say is the "feel" of resisting "NOT going to bed" made it stand out from simple resistance of doing-yet-another-task. I was resisting what I knew I *should* do, using my willpower to overpower my good sense in the name of crossing more tasks off of my to do list. When I was aware of how strongly I was resisting going to bed, I recognized that leaving some things undone (no matter how pleasurable they promised to be in the moment) was the better choice in the larger scheme of things.

It happened again yesterday. I was going to attend a webinar on something that, deep down, I knew was procrastination and I felt a bit of dissatisfaction toward the prospect of attending. Yet it was on my list so I felt duty-bound to honor it. I asked the question and it pointed me instead to some tasks I've resolutely avoided for weeks. I took care of them and that afternoon, my manager followed up about one of those tasks and I was able to reply, "It's done!" Great satisfaction followed. It was eerie how well the question worked.

[Mark Forster]

Mike Brown;

A very good example!

[Cameron]

Still kind of struggling to make this natural. Took me a good half a day to even understand what the question meant.

Would you say, in a sense, this is still a form of "standing out", but you are giving your mind different instructions on what you want to stand out? Instead of having things stand out that are ready to be done, your asking your intuition to make things stand out that you want to avoid the consequences of?

It's a subtle shift, but really you're having to "feel" the payoff of avoiding the negative consequence associated with behavior? Now that I think about it, that's what I suppose I was tapping into with standing out. I was not looking at the behavior/action on my list as a standalone action or behavior, but rather I was "feeling" out the positive or negative consequence of doing or not doing that behavior. You're simply asking us to focus more deliberately on the negative consequence.

With that, it is 12:15 am, and I am definitely resisting not going to sleep. Time to go.

Wait one more thought. It seems that with every action there is tipping point where the negative consequence of not doing something overcomes the short-term payoff of procrastinating it. That's when we really get moving. For chronic procrastinators, it is that "oh s!*@" moment when they realize if they don't do X, they're going to maybe get fired, get an F, be really embarassed, etc. You're asking us to recognize this feeling really early on and nip it in the bud before it morphs into the jaws of hell gaping open at our doorstep. Correct?

[Mark Forster]

Cameron:

Basically "yes" to everything you say.

Except for one proviso. What you are being asked to "feel" is not the negative consequences themselves, but the resistance you already have to those negative consequences.

You already know what the negative consequences are. You know that if you don't tidy something it becomes a mess; you know that if you go to bed late you feel tired the next morning; you know that the longer you put something off the more difficult becomes to get started. That's not something you have to think about - you already know it.

Because you already know the negative consequences you are already resisting them. Unfortunately that resistance is often outweighed by the resistance you have to the task itself.

The purpose of the question is to bring the "good" resistance to the fore instead of the "bad" resistance.

[jb9]

"Because you already know the negative consequences you are already resisting them. Unfortunately that resistance is often outweighed by the resistance you have to the task itself.

The purpose of the question is to bring the "good" resistance to the fore instead of the "bad" resistance."

As with some of the other people here it's taken a while today to get my head round the concept however I think these last 2 sentences really help... the idea of good resistance isn't something you normally comprehend. This is an excellent insight, hopefully it will help with putting off important stuff when it's quite obvious to me I should have done it by now...

[Mark Forster]

jb9:

<< hopefully it will help with putting off important stuff when it's quite obvious to me I should have done it by now >>

And it gets easier and easier to ask and answer the question once you start experiencing the effect of not having stuff hanging over you

[michael]

My theory would be that this is because part of your brain doesn’t buy your plan - we delay or avoid because our frontal lobe (?) doesn’t see a convincing plan behind our aspiration. The cost/benefit comes out negative based on what the rest of the brain is thinking. We need a better plan not more effort, so a task is rejected.